She emailed me. From Russia, “have you read Found?” And again, when they were back in the US she emailed, “Have you read Found yet?” No, I said. It’s on my list. I looked at a small stack of books on the table, the ones I’ve paged through a chapter or two and the ones below I’ve meaning to get to and there it was, waiting near the bottom. I grabbed the book for a road trip.
I haven’t read 50 pages and I can’t help but pause to consider her words. Micha Boyett has put words to the music of my soul.
That’s how this book is going for me. Read a few pages, drop the book to my lap while I gaze out the window or wonder why I didn’t get the e-book version so I could highlight passages or maybe the whole page in places. I am afraid if I read too much at one time these thoughts will rush through too quickly to be examined and that would leave me where I started and I want more. So I pause and consider.
Today I am considering these words the author spoke to her husband, “I love you more than my idea of being remarkable.”
She is saying this because of her struggle of feeling value, feeling worth as a new stay-at-home mom. That was not me. Isn’t me. Not that time of my life.
Mothering two littles was enough for me. It filled me and added to my understanding of God’s love for me. Being the stay-at-home mama was my calling. I knew it deep inside. I didn’t need remarkable. Then.
But now? Most of the time. I think. Maybe? I wonder, do I love Jesus more than my small ideas of being found remarkable?
We get praise from others and we point upward, ‘it’s all for His glory’, and we believe that. But….do I honor Him enough for what He is doing? Do I love Him, God, more than the ministry?
“Lord have mercy“, Micha says and I echo.
She writes of trying hard in her spiritual life, as though we have to try at all and sometimes it all just feels trying. I get that, the good church girl I’ve been, wanting to live right, do right, forgetting He is the one doing and it’s been done for me. And you.
I’m learning there isn’t much doing to believing and that’s what he wants from me: to believe. Believe in Him and unto Him. But believing is active and I can make the simplest things complicated.
I’m going slow with this book as it pulls me in page by page asking questions and feeling more and more released from needing the answers.