The Difference Between Leaving and Saying Goodbye

On my third appointment with my therapist I hit her with two big questions. The first I wrote about here. The second was this: how do you say goodbye?

Our denomination moves it’s clergy from place to place. They teach us how to leave but not how to say goodbye.

This discussion with my therapist was more complex. She asked: What were my expectations? Did I see saying goodbye as more emotional?

We talked about the directions we’re given when we leave an appointment. There is a detailed list about cleaning the house and packing. It goes so far as to say “label the boxes” (as if anyone would pack a box and not label its contents).

There’s another list with specifics to include for the people who will be following us. There is no shortage of information on how to leave.

But where’s the list telling you how to say goodbye? When do they tell you you’re likely to have feelings of loss and grief and that these feelings can come before you leave?

No one tells you that months after you’ve left you’ll remember a funny moment when you were there and laugh out loud. Or that you may have feelings of sadness or depression; that leaving is hard.

It’s easy to outline the tangibles; to make a to-do list for packing and cleaning and preparing the way for the next people.

It’s even easy to smile at your farewell reception. You’re going through the motions because you’re living on adrenaline and it’s reminding you of all you have to do next.

It was years before I realized that isn’t saying goodbye. I recognized I had learned some tricks along the way. If you didn’t get too close to people, if you treated them as congregants or volunteers and kept them at arms length then saying goodbye seemed easy. Only that’s not real. It’s superficial and you’ve cheated them and yourself from genuine fellowship.

Now, as we prepare for our last farewell as we enter retirement I want to know how I can do more than leave.

I’ve been journaling my feelings and trying to figure out this goodbye thing. As I worked on a draft for a blog post Emily Freeman’s name came up in my inbox with the subject line reading: 3 Simple Ways to Say Goodbye

There was no mistaking God was hearing my concerns and answering my heart cries.

I’m including the link to her article because you really should read it. We’re all going through goodbye’s of one kind or another so consider her words.

Here’s a couple of things that spoke deeply to me:

“Maybe one reason you’ve not been able to move forward into your next right thing is because there’s an ending lingering in your life that never ended with a period.“

It was Christmas break of my 8th grade year. I was enjoying school, where we lived and life in general. A day or two after Christmas my parents packed us up and we moved to another town. We would soon learn they left their life as ministers and would divorce. There were no goodbyes, no farewells. We just left. Almost 50 years later this is still a tender spot in my heart.

 As Emily writes, “the first thing is to put a period on the experience.“

“Don’t let the stuff outweigh the sacred.“

Photographs and memories help us mark special times in our life. They are the stuff. The sacred is the impact those moments and people had in your life. How did it change you or help shape you some way?

“The sacred things we mark from the ending will be brought forth into our beginnings, not necessarily because of an external thing we bring with us, but because of the person we have become.” 

I have viewed our retirement as an ending. When someone told me it’s the next chapter I corrected her and said it’s the last chapter.

As trite as it may sound it’s true that every ending is also a beginning. I’ve chosen to look at the ending without considering how it’s been preparing me for a new beginning. This is the space I need to give more thought. This is what will help me say goodbye without that unfinished feeling that lingers. It’s a hollow feeling when you fail to mark the sacred things from the time that was.

I know I’ve been changed from those surrounding me. I am full of gratitude for how they’ve impacted my life and given me more understanding of grace.

This is how to say goodbye: with a heart full and running over with gratitude for God’s gift of unending grace and His reckless love.

A Few Things I Learned This Summer

It’s been a while since I’ve written a recap of things I’ve learned. It started with Emily Freeman‘s invitation to join her in keeping track of the things. She started a monthly review over on her blog that has become a seasonal account. It’s not easy to recall the lessons but being intentional helps us see that we are always learning and sometimes the little things are the big triumphs.

1. Henry and I were invited to participate in a wedding this summer. It was a privilege and joy to see the transformation and restoration take place in this young man’s life. The wedding was in Philadelphia which gave us a few hours to explore the city and wish we’d had more time. We spent an evening walking in the historic downtown and enjoyed the mixture of history, urban and northern scenery. Who knew?
2. I took a break. I put blogging on hold and released myself from self-imposed pressures of social media. It was the best thing I did for myself. I realized (aka learned) I’d been focusing on the wrong things. I felt like I was chasing after approval and life isn’t meant to be a chase nor do I need man’s approval. (Still working on that one.)
3. I discovered Tazo Chai Vanilla Caramel tea. Delicious!
4. Art is saving my sanity. I am an over thinker. Anyone? The only shut off button for my mind seems to be busy hands. When I’m sewing or painting or taking photos my mind is focused on what’s in front of me. It’s deciding which color of thread to use and cutting the fabric straight. Or setting up a still life shoot or doodling. I’ve known this but when I cut back on blogging I rediscovered what adds peace to my life. And to the lives of those around me 😉 You can check out my photos on Unsplash, a free download site.
5. I learned to make Apple Cider donuts. YES! First, cooking is not my gifting. I often find it confusing and stressful. But…..there are these apple cider donuts we buy every August from an Orchard in North Carolina. And We. Love. Them. The donuts and the orchard because there is just too much goodness there. This year I set out to learn to make them. My only criteria was they had to be baked. I ordered donut baking pans from Amazon. There is still a bit of tinkering to do with the recipe but it was a success! If you’re interested you can find the recipe here.

We are always learning something but it happens in such ordinary ways we forget the little strides we’re making. I’d encourage you to keep track of the lessons. Jot them down in your day planner or write them on the wall calendar. Make a “Learned” list in Evernote or tell Alexa to keep track but do it. (she says to herself) It’s a gift to yourself.

 

The fear of connection and risking it anyway

The minute I walked through the market area, just outside of doors for the main session of the conference, I knew I was out-of-place. I was use to youth leader events  where we all wore jeans and Chuck Taylor’s or Catalyst where the hipsters are and the men far out number the women. I found myself with a group of mostly women, most the age of my daughter, wearing flowy skirts, big earrings and boots. Boots! I mean so. many. boots.

It’s just external. But it made me shrink back into the doubts I had.

The leaders were telling us to sit at a different table for each main session to get to know people. How do you get to know someone over one meal? That’s small talk. That’s not getting to know anyone.

It was agonizing. The common bond of writing seemed absent to me. Or maybe it was just me, my childhood fears of being the new girl. Again.

It would be out of my comfort zone. I knew that. I also knew I had to go. I had to go to a blogger conference and just see.

I like having a place to spill these words that are too many to contain inside and I needed to see what this looks like in a bigger context. This whole blogging community and how could I grow and, yes, I just needed to take this risk.

***

If you saw me in my place you’d never guess the insecurities I have in new places. If you saw me with our employees or the men living in the residence, you’d think me a happy extrovert holding the confidence of a mature, strong person. You would be wrong.

 

It’s hard enough to muster the courage to say I’m a writer. I’ve known only one version of me and this new thing that isn’t so new….confuses me. I find myself wanting to grow in this craft, to see if there’s something there others will connect with but……the reaching out?

Can’t I just reach out in words, behind the security of the screen? If I can’t see you, you can’t see me, right? Except these words reveal what I carefully try to hide.

I say I’m determined this time. To submit articles to other sites, to engage in groups like this one and engage more with others. I even responded to being part of Sarah Bessey’s launch team for her new book.

(Big breath here.) One day, I’m certain this is the path I should follow. To see what might be the next chapter in life. And the next day, I’m just as certain it’s folly.

Today’s sermon preparation was about start. I thought it was for them, the ones in the chapel seats, not me. The last story was about a prophet telling King Ahab  that God was going to give the army of the opposition over to him. The King asked, “but who will do this?” The prophet replied, “Tis is what the Lord says: ‘The young officer of the provincial commander will do it.”

And then Ahab asked the real question on his mind: “And who will start the battle?” The prophet said, “You will!”

Maybe this is the start. Show me Lord Jesus. Calm the shifting tide inside me. Make firm your foundation, make clear your path.

Linking up with Kate Motaung as we work through a group discussion of the book, On Being a Writer. 

What we learned in March {2015}

This month couldn’t have a more appropriate name as it has marched, leaving imprints both hard and light on our days.

This month my brother had surgery to remove cancer. Cancer doesn’t run in our family but no one told Cancer.

A dear man of God who came to pray with my brother before his surgery.

I hesitate from too many details but it’s the kind of cancer generally contained and as far as the surgery went, successful. The pathology report will let us know with certainty.

It has been a loud, fast, hard month that has had us swept up in words of revival and brought tears of acknowledgement in the preciousness of life. How do I sum this up in bullet points of learning?

If one week could run the gamut of experience and emotions and taxing energy and resolve it was the one between March 13 – 20. With a spilling over to the next.

*I learned the Gate River Run in Jacksonville has more than 17,000 participants and finding our daughter in the mass of bodies wasn’t going to happen, even with her daughter perched on top of her Baba’s shoulders taking photo’s with our Nikon.

We were gifted, again, with parental pride in watching a child accomplish a goal. And in seeing her joy at besting her previous years time. She continues to amaze.

*Apollo Beach Manatee Viewing Area
This tip came from my sister-in-law. It’s a couple of miles off of I-75 south of Tampa. It’s free, even the parking, and includes a boardwalk with a docent to offer information and a small gift shop. With the water warmer now our sightings were glimpses. We learned that Manatee’s can live in both salt and fresh water. Very unusual.

*Searching for new apps for the granddaughter on our road trips I came across one that was fun for all of us: 4 Pictures 1 Word It’s challenging and creates engagement with both kids and parents (or grandparents!)

*I learned 7-year olds pretend play includes paying with a swipe of their play phone rather than the age-old pretend hand full of money.

Spring in Augusta, GA

*These beautiful flowers full of bold purple are Hyacinth’s. I had to ask since they don’t grow in these parts and just maybe, you live someplace where you didn’t know either.

Linking up with Emily Freeman over at Chatting at the Sky for a monthly link up of what we’ve learned. Drop by to learn a new thing or two or to share what you’ve learned this month.

Learning from others

My first grade teacher was gentle and patient.

My second grade teacher’s lipstick was always a bit crooked.

6th grade our teacher read scripture in class and I could tell she was a church-going, faith-believing person beyond her reading scripture.

My junior high English teacher made me want to be a teacher. Mostly because she was young, cute and seemed to enjoy teaching.

There was the high school civics teacher everyone thought strict but I liked and learned from. The English teach in the same school who I never understood, probably because she didn’t seem to understand me.

The one time I had the chance to take art in high school was a disaster because the teacher spent all of his time with the “talented” one in class but my psychology teacher showed the benefits of active learning as we barely used a text-book yet learned so much.

Mentoring is a familiar word but hasn’t been a formalized part of my life. I push back against match-up’s preferring things to happen organically. My mentors wouldn’t know they’ve mentored me because it wasn’t a formal arrangement. It was something that grew from friendship and admiration. It has a lot to do with me wanting to do better in my life.

Phylis was our children’s 5th grade teacher and one of my mentors. She can’t help but teach, if you’re watching, because it’s who she is. It’s at her core, the way she tunes into to people, asking questions that let you know you’re important to her. You have her attention when you sit with her and she listens to your life. She has taught me how important it is to engage in someones story.

Bill and LaVerne taught many of us about pushing outside the pews and how to show grace rather than judgement in the church.

Ron and Carol model integrity and excellence to me. They are all friends and all mentors. I’ve not sat at their feet for purposeful mentoring. They’ve been our pastors, friends and at some point I realized what they’ve taught and continue to teach me.

In turn, this is how I’ve mentored. Last year a young person on our mission team asked me to mentor him. After I set a course of specific goals he never called back. So much for formalized mentoring.

I’d like to try it again. Something more than catch and release. Heather Caliri has an important post in SheLoves that will challenge you, as it does me, to engage in intentional mentoring. In the meantime, I’ll settle for the unofficial mentoring. Trusting God will use who He will use and that that would include me.

Linking up with SheLoves Magazine with their week of Mentoring stories. Click here to read more.

What We Learned {May}

Discovered this What We Learned link-up last month and enjoyed this fun look back so here I am again. Linking up with others to see what the month taught us. Click here to go to Chatting at the Sky and the link-up.

First, a disclaimer: Most of what I’ve learned have been reminders. Not because I’m super smart but because I’m just that old. Especially after my last birthday (and the 56 preceding it) all of which have happened IN MAY!

So, the first thing May taught me – I’ve gotten older. And with that comes more flowers and more friends and more wishes and a few “mores” I won’t mention here. (You’re welcome)

I learned we will be staying where we are at least one more year. Our denomination transfers its pastors and since we’ve been in this place 7 years, which is really long for any of us, we thought, uh-oh. But we’re here one more year!

 

 

Mother’s Day came and the only mom I have to buy a card for anymore is one who doesn’t remember her children. But I remember her so I bought the card and signed it “from your daughter”. It’s okay. I know who we are. I learned the grief is still there but more gentle the pain.

I learned there is nothing more beautiful than a 6-year old singing along to every song in the movie Frozen. And then the original movie The Sound of Music. And I quietly thanked God the tune she is finally able to find. 🙂

I learned the Hall of Fame football player, Michael Irvin, is a very funny guy with a heart for God.

I’ve learned I’m a 6 according to the Enneagram personality inventory. (And I was hoping to be a that so-called perfect 10 ;))

I learned Stone Mountain in Georgia is called that for a reason. I’ve hiked Mt. Lincoln in Colorado and seen no formations or likeness of Lincoln. It wasn’t even near a town named Lincoln. I’ve been on Grandfather Mountain in North Carolina and other than some men who may have been granddads, again, nothing. Nada.  But this mountain? Oh, yeah, it’s stone and lots of it stacked quite steep making for a climb my sister-in-law and I weren’t expecting. It was tough for this Florida girl whose only hills are the overpasses we drive on! I made it almost to the top. She, my brother and husband finished. I sucked air, a lot, for a long time.

 

looking down, behind me

the top where I almost made it

the view from where I was – good enough for me!

In the early hours

Monday through Friday his feet hit the floor at 4:45 a.m. This morning, Saturday, the one day we have no clock to beckon us and I wake at 5:45. He feels me stir and asks why am I awake. “Because this is when my body wakes up”, I tell him. We never set an alarm. We don’t have to as our bodies seem to know. His more than mine as I have the luxury of delaying the actual getting up.

 

I try to lay still so he can sleep. He’s always done this better than I. Can drift off anywhere at anytime while my mind buzzes ’round thousands of things I can’t do right now. I hear his deep breathing for a few moments but then he starts talking. One of our children is going through a challenging time with their spouse in some upheaval at work. It would appear a change in location is imminent and too much unknown for anyone to feel comfortable with.

So in the still dark room we talk about these children we love and our words are prayers. Our questions with no answers are being asked three-fold by them and we tell them we are praying. I hope that is enough because too many times it hasn’t been enough for me. It has only been words when I want action. Results. Now, thank you. It was Oswald Chambers who said,   “Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work.”  

 

So we are both learning. This 30-something child and his parents still learning. Learning the ways of parenting in this chapter of life and always learning the call of God. The yoke I make heavy that He wants to make light.