What’s enough?

It was a heart-breaking blog I read of a mother whose youngest was hospitalized and she was feeling not enough. Less than. Less than a good mom, less than able, less than she needed to be for her family.

And when haven’t we felt less than? Those times we stand beside someone who’s grieving and we don’t have the words and we know, we are not enough. We aren’t enough for their sorrow. I am not enough to fill the hopes and dreams of our children and I’m not enough to ensure the men in our ARC will find recovery.

It’s hard for a person who likes control. I need to know who is where and what’s next. We do first things first and in order and we work and learn and we sing the right songs and say the right words but I am not enough. Not. Enough.

It’s taken me a while and is one of those things I’ve learned best from addicts but I’ve learned I don’t have to be enough because I never will be.

Honestly, they don’t know they’ve taught me this because they are trying to learn it themselves. Maybe it’s from trying to reach them and reassure them none of us will ever be enough because God created us to need Him. Maybe it’s in hoping to teach this that I finally start to learn it myself.

These men who came in hungry and unwashed have searched a long time for something that is enough to fill them. To make them enough. But it’s false. We will not find that filling of our emptiness, that completion to make us enough apart from God. He is the One who fills my lack and becomes enough.

A verse I struggle with says His grace is enough. Too often I don’t know what that means. Perhaps because my lack of understanding the goodness of grace and a God who gives it so freely to ones so undeserving. But that’s what He says. When the apostle Paul was praying for a particular burden to removed from him (I think it made Paul feel he was not enough with this burden) God told him: “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12)

My mind, so not enough, has trouble understanding how weakness can be strong but then I see this group of men, a motley crew to some, who often are my strength. We are for each other. Hugs are freely given and tears shed as we talk about those areas we know are lacking. We are the surrogate family for some and their fight against addiction makes us proud as any parent. His weakness, God’s strength. My weakness, God’s strength. Met with the arms, words and tears of others. Yes, not enough. When I’m not enough it leaves room for God to be God. To be enough.